After complaining (OK, grousing incessantly) for months about the lousy weather here in the Pacific Northwet, Mrs. UA booked us a flight to Arizona for the week of Schpanky’s Spring break. I fully acknowledge that we were all in need of some Vitamin D, but I’m convinced that her underlying motive was to get me to shut up. It worked, temporarily.
This was not, obviously, a fishing vacation. But every time I go anywhere, I have a tendency to ponder the area’s possibilities for wetting a line. My conclusion is that the Phoenix area is not exactly a hotspot for fly fishing. Certainly if one is willing to drive a fair distance they can find water that holds fish, and in fact many of the area golf courses have ponds with some sort of fish. There are a lot of golf courses in Arizona so if you like golf it’s probably akin to Montana for fly anglers. But I don’t golf. In fact, I loath the game.
For most of the week we simply relaxed and did a lot of nothing, which was fine by me. The cement pond in the back yard provided the closest thing to fishable water that I would see the entire time we were there. With plenty of time to sit and think, I formulated some thoughts based on observations:
The AZ desert is a cruel place inhabited by evil shrubbery that will hurt you if you let your guard down. There are cacti known as Jumping Cholla that do appear to jump on you if you get too close. This did not happen to me, but my brother-in-law was describing it and ended up with a shoe-ful of prickly spikes. They’re harder to remove than a barbed treble hook. The last photo is not someone I know, but serves as another good reason not to ever golf.
While different than the species that have been driving me crazy in the Pacific NW, the desert has wood peckers. The peckers around my home seem to like the wood on our house, and our rain gutters. In the desert nearly all the homes are built with something resembling stucco, and a rain gutter contractor would go broke for lack of business, so I am not sure what the birds bang their peckers on. I didn’t see many trees, either, but I did see a lot of saguaro cacti with holes created by birds. Likely the peckers are to blame for this.
We don’t have In-N-Out Burger joints up here in our corner of the nation, but they do have them down in Arizona. I’d never eaten there before but have been told the burgers are good. We ate there twice and while it was good both times, I wouldn’t say that it warrants a trip to Arizona for the sole purpose of eating at In-N-Out Burger.
Phoenix has a Major League Baseball team: the Arizona Diamondbacks. The team is referred to as the D-Backs, for short. Or so I thought. What I discovered is that the local sportscasters affectionately refer to them as the “D-Bags”. I kid you not. The first time I heard it on a television newscast I was sure I’d merely heard what I want, and not what was actually said. And then I heard it repeated over and over: D-Bags. Clear as day. Go figure.
Fishing for coldwater species is not big on the list of things to do while in Phoenix, nor apparently, is fly fishing. A visit to Dick’s Sporting Goods revealed a very limited selection of fly tackle: a single Pfleuger starter kit. However, there was a ready supply of other fishin’ poles.
Even though fly fishing may not be big on the list of recreational activities in the desert, this does not prevent people from driving the #1 Stupidest Fly Fishing Car from 2011. Which reminds me, it’s probably time for the 2012 list, although I’m confident the Nissan Cube would take top honors. Stupid car.
I was privileged to see my first real, live roadrunner while in Arizona. I was disappointed to learn that the birds are not purple, nor do they make a call that sounds anything like “Meep-Meep”. You can imagine that I felt like a child when they discover that Santa Claus isn’t real.
Arizona nights are clear, and good for star gazing. Mrs. UA is very proud of the app on her iPhone which tells you exactly what you’re looking at when you point the phone toward the dark heavens. I’m not a big astronomy buff, but I never tire of sophomoric humor. Ever.
It was a nice change of pace and change of scenery, but after a few days I felt trapped, like a fish out of water. The desert is too dry; too hot. Not enough of the stuff that I complain about back home.
Like the fact that it’s 50 degrees and raining today.
Most of us have heard it said that golf and fly fishing have many similarities. And for whatever reason, many folks who pursue one, also partake of the other. Like doctors and attorneys, among others.
I should mention that while I’m not much of a fly angler, I am much, much less of a golfer. Over the years I’ve golfed several times, and there was a fleeting lapse in judgment a few years ago when I thought I might want to do more of it. I even went so far as to purchase some golf shoes and a second-hand set of beginner’s clubs, but neither ended up seeing much use. And even though I may not be a golfer, I’m certainly no stranger to the game. My brother-in-law likes to spend time drinking beer in the clubhouse of his hometown course hit the little white ball around, and my two nephews are accomplished golfers: one of them works at a golf course in Arizona and the other plays golf on his college team. Despite bad golf genetics, both of my kids enjoy the game and they both work at a local golf course. So while I myself have not embraced the game, golf is all around me. To that end I feel qualified to draw comparisons and contrasts between golf and fly fishing.
Let’s quickly review the similarities:
• Both activities involve a steep learning curve and can be frustrating for beginners.
• Equipment for either activity is not inexpensive. Certainly one can acquire entry-level tools for either endeavor, but the prices quickly go way up from there. If you pursue either activity, eventually you are going to melt a few credit cards in the process of acquiring gear.
• Golf requires that you have a nice, relaxed stroke. Fly casting requires that you have a nice, relaxed casting stroke. Trying to add a great deal of power in either endeavor will surely have dire consequencess that may result in a stroke.
• Keep your wrists straight when swinging a golf club. Do the same when casting a fly rod.
• Swinging a golf club requires the use of both hands (however, it is common to use only one arm to throw one’s club into a pond). Casting a Spey rod requires the use of both hands (however, the more common style of fly fishing uses only one arm to cast into a lake, river, or pond).
• Golfers “drive” the ball, hopefully a good long ways. Fly anglers will “drive” a long ways hoping to find good fishing.
• Golf requires a set of clubs that includes several different clubs for different situations, although one could theoretically golf with just a 3 iron. Fly fishing requires a quiver of rods that includes several different rods for different situations, although one could theoretically fish with just a 3 weight rod. But this should be avoided. If you golf, get a full set of clubs. If you fly fish, get a whole bunch of rods.
• The longer the club, the longer the distance one can theoretically hit the ball. The longer the rod, the longer the distance one can theoretically cast the fly.
• A “hybrid” golf club combines the qualities of both a wood and an iron. A “hybrid” fish is the result of cross-breeding, such as a “cuttbow” which combines the appearances of both cutthroat and rainbow trout.
• Golf has Tiger Woods. Fly fishing has a Tiger Trout.
• 2010 Masters Champion Phil Mickelson sports a “mullet”. A species of sport fish is a “mullet”.
• There are pink golf balls, just as there are pink fishing flies.
• One plays golf. One plays a fish.
• In golf you can hire a caddy to carry your clubs. In fly fishing you can purchase a caddy to hold your floatant.
• When golfing you want to sink a put. When streamer fishing and nymphing you want your fly to sink.
• In golf, a birdie is a good thing. When fishing, birdies are a good thing – they often signify a hatch.
• Golf and fly fishing seem to attract a lot of doctors and attorneys.
• There have been epic movies made about both golf and fly fishing: Caddyshack and A River Runs Through It.
• With golf, one can walk the course or ride from hole to hole in a cart. Similarly with fly fishing, one can wade the river bank or ride from hole to hole in a drift boat.
• A “creeper” in golf refers to the odd stranger that you inadvertently get paired with for 18 holes. This person makes you feel uneasy, and you want to crawl under a rock to hide. In fly fishing, a “creeper” refers to the larval stage of the stonefly, easily found crawling under stones where they hide.
• In golf, one is attempting to propel a small object using a long-shafted tool over a great distance into a small hole. In fly fishing, one is attempting to propel a small object using a long-shafted tool over a relatively long distance into a fishes mouth, which is like a small hole.
• One bad shot on the golf course and you can lose your ball. One bad cast while fishing and you can lose your fly.
• It’s not uncommon to hear a golfer use the term, “Ahh, bugger!” It’s not uncommon for fly anglers to use a woolly bugger.
• Both golf and fly fishing have verbal warnings intended to protect others. “Fore!” is often yelled during golf to let another golfer know that they’re about to get hit in the head by your ball. “Duck!” or “Shit, look out!” is often yelled during fly fishing to let another angler know they are about to be struck in the head by your bead head streamer.
• The term, “hook” is employed by both golfers and fly anglers.
• “Impact” is another commonly used term in both activities. In golf, “impact” refers to the moment at which one’s club face strikes the ball. Fly anglers refer to “impact” as the moment at which one’s drift boat strikes a rock.
• A “Lie” is also a common term in both past times. In golf it refers to the position of one’s ball following a shot. In fly fishing it is an inaccurate reference to the length of one’s fish.
• “Shank” refers to a bad golf shot in which the ball shoots right (if right handed) at a severely sharp angle, rather than going straight (it is much worse than a slice or a hook). With regard to fly fishing, the shank is the straight part of the hook.
• Both golf and fly fishing have a “leader”, and both are out in front.
• The “nearest point of relief” during a round of golf is the reference point used for taking relief without a penalty from interference by an immovable obstruction, abnormal ground condition or a wrong putting green. As pertaining to fly fishing, the term refers to the next available place along the river where a drift boat can pull in so that an angler may relieve themselves without interference.
• An “open face” is when a golf club is aligned to the right or left side or another of the target, depending on whether the golfer is right or left handed. In fly fishing an open face refers to a sandwich made in haste with only one slice of bread, and it is usually held in either the right or left hand, depending on whether the angler is right or left handed.
OK, now let’s review the many differences:
• Golf is a four-letter word. Fly-fishing has ten letters, and sometimes even a hyphen.
• When you’re golfing, a body of water is a hazard to be avoided. When you’re fishing, I would hazard to say that a body of water is to be sought out.
• If your golf shoes are covered in sand, that’s a bad thing. The same thing can not be said about your wading boots.
• I’m dangerous with a golf club in my hands. I’ve hurt people I love, albeit unintentionally, when swinging a golf club, and I’ve come dangerously close to hurting others on two other occasions. I’ve never hurt anyone else with a fly rod, although I’ve bounced a few flies off the back of my own head. Luckily, I’ve not flossed my ears or the ears of anyone else. Yet.
• If your golf score stinks as badly as a skunk, there is no way you can look back on that day with anything but contempt for the game. Even if you get skunked while out fishing you can still enjoy a day on the water.
• Golf requires ridiculous clothes: collared shirts and “nice” pants. Come on, really? Why dress up to spend the day out playing on a large grassy field? T-shirts and jeans are what I think of when it comes to play clothes. Waders, on the other hand, are a functional tool. And they’re cool looking.
• Depending on the rules, you may be allowed to take one Mulligan in a round of golf. In fly fishing there is no limit on the number of do-overs one can take.
• Golf involves penalties should you make a bad shot or lose a ball. There are no penalties for making a bad cast or losing a fish before landing it, other than to have your buddy laugh at you and question your manhood.
• There is no loud talking during golf. There is much hootin’ and hollerin’ while fly fishing.
• I sold my golf clubs in a garage sale. I keep my fishing gear in the garage and it is not for sale.
• In golf there is such a thing as a “Net Score”. In fly fishing there is no such thing. Fly anglers are not the least bit competitive, nor do they keep track of how many fish they, or others with whom they are angling, have caught.
• Golfers are notorious liars. They’ll cheat on their score if given the opportunity to do so without getting caught. Anglers are an honest lot and are never known to exaggerate the size of a fish or the total number of fish caught.
• Many golfers travel to desert areas to pursue their game. I don’t know many fly anglers who seek out fishing destinations in the middle of the desert.
• It is not considered manly to golf with a pink ball. It is perfectly acceptable for a man to fish with a pink fly.
• In golf, shooting par for the course is a good thing. In fly fishing, getting skunked is often par for the course and is not a good thing.
• Certain well-known golfers have been known to chase strippers, while some fly anglers are known to chase stripers.
• I consider it a chore and I go out of my way to avoid golfing. I will avoid chores and drive out of my way to go fishing.
• A bent golf club is bad. A bent fly rod is good.
• Mrs. Unaccomplished Angler will watch golf on television occasionally (as was the case recently when the Masters tournament was underway). If I happen to be watching a fly fishing show on television, Mrs. Unaccomplished Angler will leave the room every time.
In conclusion, I will admit that there are more similarities between golf and fly fishing than I initially thought possible. In fact, I was quite shocked to find that there are actually more similarities between golf and fly fishing than there are differences. However, there is one more notable difference: I’ve heard fly anglers proudly proclaim that they gave up golf. I’ve never heard a golfer say that they gave up fly fishing.
I will continue to fly fish, and not golf, forever.
PS- At the request of a fly fishing Facebook friend who threatened to “unfriend” me if I didn’t mention that “golf is about as stupid as stand-up paddle boarding”, I have to do so. However, in the defense of stand-up paddle boarding, it could be employed as means of accessing some decent fishing water. (sorry, Mike)