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December 26th: The Day of River Panties

In the days and weeks leading up to Christmas everyone is busy preparing for the big day by shopping, running errands, tending to honey-do lists and generally being in such a constant state of motion that there’s little time to just sit and do nothing. Then the day is here and gone in what seems to be an instant, and what follows is a strange sense of calm and a certain feeling of emptiness.

When my kids were little the excitement of new toys spilled over into the days following Christmas: Hot Wheels tracks were laid out on the family room floor with races taking place every hour; GI Joe was deployed on countless missions that often involved scaling the fireplace rocks or patrolling the makeshift waters of the kitchen and hallway; and the Barbie motor home embarked on an extended camping tour of every room in the house. All manner of loud games were played with a level of frantic enthusiasm and resulted in the inevitable emotional meltdown of young children who were over-stimulated, sleep-deprived and strung out on too many Christmas cookies. All that hustle and bustle ensured that there was very little peace and quiet on the day following Christmas. Now that my kids are more or less grown, things are a lot quieter around our house. It’s kinda boring actually—a bit of a let-down.

And so it was on this lazy morning after Christmas that Mrs. Unaccomplished Angler  and I found ourselves essentially alone. As teenagers are prone to do, both kids were still sound asleep as we enjoyed a cup of coffee while admiring our new slippers and discussing what to do with ourselves. There really wasn’t anything we had to do, and in fact getting dressed wasn’t even on the radar: We wouldn’t be going anywhere, and certainly nobody would be stopping by to visit. And then the doorbell rang.

Lo and behold who should it be other than my buddy Marck, who readers of the Unaccomplished Angler have come to know as the one with whom I fish on a fairly regular basis. He’s the guy who, by virtue of the fact that he is one seriously fishy dude, is inadvertently responsible for my low fishing self esteem. Don’t get me wrong–Marck is an amiable fellow so fishing with him isn’t socially unpleasant by any means, and he does own a drift boat so he’s got that going for him as well. But whenever we fish together, the results are always the same: He catches many and sizeable fish from the same waters that yield small fry and often a skunk for yours truly. I’d be better off fishing alone save for the matter of his boat and the fact that I get to be witness to angling greatness from time to time.

So there was Marck, on our doorstep on the day after Christmas, to bring us tidings of good will and reminders of my shortcomings as an angler. The spirit of Christmas still hung in the air so I couldn’t very well turn him away, and besides that he came bearing gifts and I am not above admitting that I like receiving gifts. He had apparently done a little bit of shopping at the local drugstore and I was the lucky recipient of a bottle of Beano, which Marck and others have been begging me to try recommending for years.

He had also dropped a bit of coin online at The Fly Shop so I was also the recipient of a few flies, including but not limited to, the Thing from Uranus and one known as the The Pellet Fly, which may be just the ticket for catching hatchery steelhead.

But without a doubt the best gift of all was the pair of “Wet Wading Briefs” (which really deserve a better product name than they’ve been given).

No longer will the day after Christmas be considered a day of let-downs.  Thanks to Marck, the day after December 26th will forever be known as the day I received my first pair of River Panties.

Everybody needs a fishing buddy like Marck.

19 thoughts on “December 26th: The Day of River Panties”

  1. The Goosemaster says:

    Ho Ho Ho,

    River panties! Wow! I don’t think that I will be bunking with you this year at Jellystone!

    So do you use those things to “wet in” or when you plan on getting wet? Hey , and that picture above those. Is that the pellet fly? Cause it looks more like something from Uranus!

    Love ya man.

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      Stan, you’ll have to take all of your questions directly to Marck- he was the brainchild behind all of this. I’m just the lucky recipient. I appreciate the love and thank you for not wanting to bunk with me. Been there, done that once. I’ll fish with you any time, any where but I’ll leave the bunk partnering for others 😉

  2. Derek Young says:

    Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      There is no need to fear the River Panties, Derek.

  3. Jimmy says:

    It all makes since now. I remember seeing Marck standing near the shore last fall with his waders halfway down ( because he does not have the zippered waders) and the bottom of his shirt pinned to his chest by his chin, fumbling around down there for awhile, alot longer than needed. I thought to myself well he’s out in the great outdoors maybe thats what he likes to do. So I turned my head and continued fishing and said I am not going to judge him on that. Now after seeing the river panties I realize the cause for his extended fumbling time. Major flaw they don’t have a fly! I am so glad you resolved this for me Marck, now I have closure.
    Jimmy

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      Jimmy, I remember that day. I was standing upstream a ways, watching you as you watched Marck and thinking to myself, “I’m not going to judge.” I’m relieved to finally learn the truth behind your voyeurism because I was a bit concerned. Like you, I now have a sense of closure, and all is right in the world again.

  4. Jon De Jong says:

    Those almost look like a pair of Depends, which would alleviate the need to unzip your waders. Beano…Depends…I see a middle-aged trend here. Merry Christmas!

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      Large Albac—, er, Jon: While we’re at it let’s not forget the reading glasses and packet of Mucelax I carry in my fanny lumbar waist pack.

  5. Derek Young says:

    Ok, I just penned a name for your river unmentionables – “Hole-e Whitey Tighties.”

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      Derek, you may want to suggest this product name to The Fly Shop.

  6. Chuck says:

    I wear silk long underwear in the winter! But, those panties? Flyfishing is really the sport that inspires more nonsense than any other !

    I want to know who the guy is that thought , “Hey we could market underwear for wet wading.” Geeeeeeezzzzzzzz! What about just driving home commando with damp shorts like I do!

    If I saw a guy wearing those I’d bitch slap him in the head!

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      Silk long johns? Chuck you are a sensitive man afterall. Hopefully you would not actually get to see the guy wearing River Panties, as that would mean he was stripping down in a public place. As for bitch slapping him, I’d be careful about such a brash move- you never know who might be a Tai Chi master.

  7. David G says:

    I’m speechless. Maybe it was the voyeurism comment/story. Maybe the word “panties” is a bit strong. “Manties”?

    A word on the pellet fly (in NM, codename: cookadoo). Disclaimer: I do not personally use them nor have I ever. I have watched people use them a lot and apparently it requires a very special casting technique that we have cleverly named “Tomahawking”. If you have seen this technique, we need to drink away our sorrows…

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      I like “Manties” although I believe they’re intended to be unisex 😉

      Interesting scoop on The Pellet. Chances are I will never use that “fly” unless I have an opportunity to visit a “trout farm” with my fly rod some day. I can only imagine this “Tomahawk” casting stroke, as I have not had the pleasure of seeing it done first hand (though I have seen some pretty bad casting form).

  8. Brett Colvin says:

    Do these come in a thong?

  9. Marck says:

    Brett,

    Thong yes, only one color yellow. Is this Brett Colvin with the photo of the German shorthair in the McKenzie river drift. Great Photo.

  10. Brett Colvin says:

    Marck – I can confirm the allegations of being the same BC, and thank you. Did you eyeball the shot on Midcurrent? If so, there is a full accounting of that day’s events with additional images here:

    http://www.flytowater.com/2010/10/uncle-bobs-cabin.html

    Excellent news on the thong and color. The Outdooress clued me in about how to avoid the heartbreak of a panty line showing through my waders, and I’ve been looking for something in my since ever since.

    1. Kirk Werner says:

      Man, I just love this….The Unaccomplished Angler is now a place where folks come to meet up and share the love, and get fashion tips on how to avoid unsightly pantie lines! I musta missed the Outdooress’s tip. Rebecca, if you read this can you share your tip with all of us?

  11. Chuck says:

    For those in the know – silk long underwear were de-riguer for serious outdoorsmen and alpine climbers before all the fancy synthetic and smart wool crap came along! Silk wicks moisture and it doesn’t itch!

    I actually was turned on to silk by a friend of mine who works construction on high rises in the winter!

    I got mine at Sierra Trading Post – online! This place is awesome and has the lowest prices anywhere!

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